Today in Spanish our discussion group was faced with the question, “If you were to die tomorrow, would you be content with how you had lived your life?” Two years ago I would have given a definite “no.” This year I surprised myself with an unwavering “yes.” It’s not as if I’ve done anything particularly outstanding in my 17 1/2 years on Earth and of course I still feel like I have much to see and do while I’m still here. I’m just not bitter anymore.
I think it’s easy to be bitter, and I have ample reason to be. I’d be the first person to call myself a particularly irritable person. On top of that my life is considerably more convoluted than the average American teenager’s. I could be angry at the world like my more cynical friends and lash out against the darkness. I could be discontent with the world like my more idealist friends and curse the darkness.
I used to crumple under what I used to believe was life’s conspiracy against me. Only recently did I learn and accept that there was never really any external conflict aiming to crush me at all. It was only me versus myself, a worthy battle. I can go more into specifics in a later post.
The point is that I’ve lit a candle.
Underneath the mundane anxiety from wilting grades and calc tests I point and laugh at the way fat crows hop along the empty streets to no one in particular. I step out from a snare of frustration with the way my past refuses to be finished with me into a friend’s plain words of wisdom. The sun poked its head from behind the clouds one dreadful morning to say hello and I returned the salutation.
I find that life is infinitely more enjoyable if you keep yourself, mind, eyes, ears ,though not necessarily your mouth, open.